How to Engage Teenagers in Career and Life Planning Conversations
Tips for Parents Struggling to Communicate with their Teenagers about Future Plans
Are you finding it challenging to engage your teenager in conversations about their future plans? Do you often feel shut out or ignored when you bring up the topics of career, college or next steps? As a parent, it can be frustrating when we want to help and support our children but don't know how to break through their communication barriers.
In this blog post, we introduce the BRIEF model – a five-step approach to having short, succinct conversations with teenagers and young adults. We share tips on how to
use this model to discuss careers and life planning with your teenager and give examples of how to apply each step in practice.
I recently came across a model for engaging teenagers in conversations which I thought may help us. As a parent of two teenage boys (and one other son off-the-payroll), I know about the rolling-eyes and conversation avoidance strategies. Sometimes, I just have to back-off on conversations and consider an alternative strategy.
This approach, from the author Michelle Icard, in her book ‘Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen’ is termed the BRIEF model and covers five steps.
Michelle recommends short and succinct conversations work best with teenagers and young adults, while avoiding trying to squeeze everything you want to discuss into one big conversation.
How can we use the BRIEF model to discuss careers and life planning with teenagers?
B - Begin peacefully:
Initiate the conversation by expressing a gentle and broad curiosity about the subject. Is your teenager more receptive to talking about something when they have some thinking done about it? By letting them know or giving them the heads-up that you’d like to talk something specific in the next few days, they can consider the topic a little more or maybe even kick start some research.
For example, “I’d like to hear what you are thinking about doing over the summer months. Perhaps we can get some time at the weekend to talk about it?”
R – Relate to your child:
There’s always a giggle in our house, when we say ‘when I was your age’. But there’s value in it. We’re sharing what our experiences were like – good, bad or indifferent – so they know what it was like for us.
By trying to relate to your son or daughter with empathy, compassion, and / or vulnerability, we can share with our teenager that the topic (we need to discuss) may be sensitive and difficult for one or all of you.
To follow up on the above example, you may say “I know you found last summer tedious and you were often bored, with little money to go and do stuff with your friends.”
I – Interview to collect information:
From a neutral, unbiased approach, ask your teenager what they know or feel about a topic. It’s important to adopt a curiosity mindset and just listen. Let them fill you in without trying to catch them out or immediately highlight gaps in their knowledge. Ask lots of short, open ended questions.
“What would you like to do this summer? Where you can start to plan that? What else are you thinking about?”
E – Echo what you’re hearing:
Gently relay what you have heard, but again be careful to just tell them what you have heard without any judgement. Avoid filing them in on the gaps that you may feel there is, or the concerns that you may have at this time.
“So you’re interested in getting a few hours work each week and concerned that it may impact your ability to attend training or be available for games. As you are 16, you’ve heard from others that some of the larger shops require summer students be at least 17 or 18. You want to do something this summer but just not sure what you can do.”
F – Give Feedback:
This is the final step and it’s crucial that we hold off on giving feedback until the end. In this way, we have kept the conversation going, built trust by carefully listening and understanding their perspective first. Then we can ask if they’d like help and support.
For example, “would you like me to help you figure out what kind of summer jobs you may do?” or “perhaps we can talk to Joe in XYZ who has takes on summer students each year and see what number of hours they typically do, rosters and age restrictions?”
If you are a parent wishing to positively engage with your son or daughter about their future plans, try implementing the BRIEF model in your conversations. By following these steps, you can create a safe and open environment for your teenager to share their thoughts and feelings about their future, and you can offer support and guidance to help them achieve their goals.
I've shared this model with some recent clients, and by following this approach they then encouraged their teenager to meet with me to explore their best career and college options further. Get in touch if you'd like me to help your son or daughter.
Want to find out more? Book a 10 minute phone call with me - find a time that suits you.
